Personal Journey of Sexual Exploration
She felt guilty for fantasizing about Emily’s boyfriend. Emily and Ashley had been friends since they were freshmen in college. The previous night Ashley met Cameron for the first time at a semi-formal dinner party held at Emily’s house. Two things caused Ashley to be smitten. The first was observing Cameron refuse the advances of a casual friend of theirs. The second was a delightful forty-five minute conversation with Cameron. It had been a long time since she felt so intrigued by a guy. She never met a guy with his combination of character traits. He was: all guy, loved horses, loved the outdoors, and was creative. A huge bonus was the fact he had manners and was loyal. Ashley felt Emily would be foolish to break it off with Cameron. During the time they had been friends Emily had a dozen serious boyfriends, a couple flings, and a friend with benefits.
Over this same time period Ashley became engaged to Ben. She met him when she was a Sophomore in college. Six months after graduating college she ended the engagement and moved out of their apartment. She wanted a full commitment and a family. Obviously, these were things Ben had no interest in. Six months after the breakup she started to date again. In her lifetime: she fooled around with a guy just after graduating high school, made love to Ben believing he’d marry her, and had sex with Michael.
Ashley’s Sexual Journey
- Dale was an attractive guy, was career minded, and had a six and a half-inch penis.
- She liked the size and shape of his penis but disliked their routine sex life.
- She often faked an orgasm to end the intercourse.
- Dale would rush foreplay and pressure her to perform oral sex.
- She never asked him to perform it because of how poorly he did it.
She definitely regretted having sex with Michael. She had casually dated Michael for six months. They were both openly dating other people. Michael was attractive, had just purchased his own house, owned a nice car, was a top salesman, was smart, confident, said all the right things, and it was rumored he had an eight to nine-inch penis. She knew this rumor was true when she felt it harden against her body while they were watching a movie. At the time she was lonely, frustrated with her dating experience, was still hurting from the breakup, was angry to hear Dale had cheated on her, and was bluntly horny. It was obvious if she just laid there he’d initiate sex.
Having sex with Michael would fulfill two fantasies. One of them was to experience a fling. The other was to experience a big penis. His big penis was the reason she suggested moving to his bedroom. This was the first time in her life she would have sex without being in love. As they headed to the bedroom she was anticipating what his big penis looked like and what it would feel like. Her anticipation turned to anxiety when his eight and a half-inch penis became hard in her hand. For whatever reason, until she actually watched and felt a large penis grow in her hand, she never fully grasped how large an eight and a half-inch penis really was. This led to the sudden realization that this huge penis would enter her vagina. She rarely felt anxious about anything, but she was anxious about his penis entering her. She calmed herself down and gave him a chance. Her expectations fell when he demanded she give him oral sex. There was no way she would perform oral on such a big penis. She stepped off the bed and prepared to leave. His smooth talk convinced her to again remove her clothes and get back into bed. She wanted to believe the session would turn into something special. To her dismay, Michael rushed foreplay. She learned how to endure sex with her fiance but there was no enduring her cervix being hit. She screamed into his ear and kicked him off. Worse than the pounding was his angry comment after he rolled off of her. He suggested she should be happy a guy like him wanted to have sex with her. She quickly dressed and stormed out of his house. Before having sex with Ben and Michael, she assumed three things about sex. She believed a big penis was the ticket to great sex, a guy would know what to do, and she felt she knew a great deal about sex. The experience with Michael caused her to admit to herself she knew very little about sex. This was a humbling thing to admit. That very day she drove an hour to the nearest metropolitan city and entered a large bookstore in a still thriving strip mall. This started her personal journey of legitimate sexual research by purchasing six different books. She felt each book was the next level in sexual knowledge. She started with the most basic sex book geared for someone who didn’t know anything. After reading this book, she came to terms with the fact that her sexual knowledge was a notch below this book. She learned too many things to consider herself an expert. The next book was a more clinical book with classy drawings geared for couples who wanted to improve their sex lives. After reading the first chapter, she recognized many of the topics covered in this book were issues she encountered with Ben. As she read the book, she sobbed, recognizing how subpar her sex life had been. The second revelation was that everything she learned by watching porn was incomplete and often inaccurate. Because of this revelation, and an article she read discussing the growing number of women addicted to pornography, she stopped watching pornography. The next book was a guide on how to satisfy a man. This was eye-opening, to say the least. She was still wary of performing oral, but she now understood why a guy liked it. More importantly, she now believed she could perform it without gagging or throwing up (she threw up on Ben more than once). The fourth book was about sexual communication. This book was immensely freeing for her. She broke down and cried after finishing the book. This book was so important to her that she immediately read it again. The fifth book was a book of positions. What she liked about this book was that it had classy drawings, described the positions, and who would most likely enjoy them. The last book discussed in great detail: toys, taboos, kinks, and fetishes. This book helped her understand that everyone’s sexual tastes were different. Soon after reading this book, she purchased her first dildo, a starter set of anal plugs, and nipple clips. With the help of these nipple clips, she brought herself to a breast-only orgasm. The only reason she knew this was possible was by reading these books. A variety of colored sticky notes marked up all six of these books. Each color represented a sexual topic. After reading these books, she came to the conclusion that she was a terrible lover. Her belief that she knew a lot about sex hindered her from moving past the sexual difficulties she encountered with Ben. A humbling analysis of her lovemaking was how closed off she was. She recognized that this was part of the reason they ended up in a routine. Granted, he was comfortable with it, even liked it, but she felt trapped. She felt they stayed trapped because of her lack of communication skills and the tools to change their routine. She often complained about their routines, but she never expressed her desires or made any suggestions. Part of the reason she fell into this trap was her belief that a guy would just know what to do and understand what she was feeling. This led to her laying there and hoping things would get better. She really wished she would have read all of these books before she ever attempted sex. She especially wished she would have read the book about sexual communication. Out of all the books she purchased, this was the one she held closest to her heart. She no longer believed penis size was the key to great sex. Given the choice, she hoped her future husband would be six to seven inches long. She felt that if this future husband wasn’t her ideal size, she had the tools to work with a guy who was larger or smaller. Before reading these books, she would have felt awkward being with a guy who was tiny. She would never forget how ill-prepared she was for a really large one. She hoped that if a guy was larger, he would be attentive, patient, careful, didn’t believe all he needed was his large penis, and wasn’t obsessed over his size. If the guy was smaller, she hoped he had confidence, was attentive, was honest about his size, would work with her, and wasn’t obsessed over his size. Either way, she was looking for a guy who was into foreplay, liked variety, was willing to express his desires, was willing to address any sexual issues, would never judge her desires, and would respect her boundaries. She promised herself that she would never ridicule a partner for his desires, she would have the confidence to say no, would be a more giving partner, would never again fake an orgasm, would never pressure a partner, and was prepared to try a variety of positions. She had grown up in a traditionally-minded household. Until she started dating after high school, she held to the standard that all sex was off-limits until marriage. After graduating high school, she moved the line to waiting until she was married to have intercourse. This allowed her to enjoy fooling around with a guy she loved. After they broke up, she moved the line again. She would only have sex if she was in love with a guy. Her sexual experiences with Michael and Ben caused her to move the line closer to what she believed growing up. The next time she would engage in sexual intercourse would be on her wedding night. Until then, she would maintain and explore through masturbation. If she was ever engaged and they were having trouble making it to their wedding night, she was open to heavy petting or dry humping. She was confident she could put on the brakes. She wanted to believe she’d pick a guy who’d respect her wishes. She would immediately end a relationship if he was disrespectful. She believed she had the tools and confidence to discuss sex with any man she dated. If a potential husband was closed off and unwilling to discuss sex before they were married, she would terminate the relationship. She was seeking a monogamous relationship. The goal was to have an exciting, satisfying, and adaptable sex life after marriage. She felt that in any long-term relationship, struggles were highly likely. She wanted to be with someone who was willing to work them out and would never cheat on her. She was determined to find out if a guy was willing to work them out before marrying him. In her pursuit of a fulfilling and adaptable sex life, Ashley was committed to ongoing growth and exploration. She had come to understand that sexual knowledge was a continuous journey, and she was dedicated to expanding her understanding and skills. Through her newfound knowledge, she aimed to become a more open, communicative, and responsive lover. Ashley’s perspective on sex had evolved significantly. She no longer saw penis size as the sole determinant of great sex. Instead, she valued qualities such as attentiveness, communication, respect, and a willingness to explore and satisfy each other’s desires. She recognized that sexual compatibility went beyond physical attributes, and she was prepared to work with a partner regardless of their size. Her experiences with Dale and Scott had revealed the importance of sexual communication and her own willingness to express her desires and boundaries. She no longer believed in adhering to strict rules set by society but rather sought to create her own guidelines based on open dialogue and mutual consent. Ashley’s personal journey of sexual exploration had led her to educate herself through books and research. She had learned valuable lessons about sexual communication, techniques, and the diverse aspects of human sexuality. She had embraced a new level of self-awareness and was determined to become a more knowledgeable and skilled lover. As she moved forward, Ashley’s focus shifted towards finding a partner who shared her values and desires for a fulfilling and adaptable sex life. She sought someone who was open to discussing sex, willing to work through challenges together, and committed to monogamy. Her journey had taught her the importance of compatibility, trust, and ongoing growth in maintaining a satisfying and exciting sexual relationship. With newfound confidence and a deeper understanding of her own needs and desires, Ashley was ready to embark on a new chapter of her life, guided by the lessons learned on her personal sexual journey.